Instead of: Black Eyed Peas’ “Boom Boom Pow”
Try: Thunderheist’s “Sweet 16 (Mansion Remix)”

When I first heard the Black Eyed Peas’ first single off their upcoming third album, I could not believe my ears how godawful it was. In fact, “Boom Boom Pow” may quite possibly be the worst thing that the members of BEP have produced, whether it be their solo material or as a collective. No small feat considering we are dealing with individuals that have given the world such gems as “I Got It From My Mama”, “Big Girls Don’t Cry” and “My Humps”. For something slightly trashy, but with a catchy beat that’s sharp enough to draw blood, go with Toronto’s electro-rap duo du jour Thunderheist’s “Sweet 16″ instead (the original or the remix by hot Toronto DJ duo Mansion are both recommended). Added bonus is that frontwoman Isis would totally kick Fergie’s ass and can actually deliver a clever line (C’mon Fergie, the best you can do is “I’m so 3008, you so 2000 and late?” You sound like a 5 year-old who just learned how to rhyme).

Instead of: Green Day’s “Know Your Enemy”
Try: Titus Andronicus’ “Upon Viewing Brueghel’s “Landscape With The Fall Of Icarus”

Listen: I’m not going to blame you or think any less of you, if you went out and purchased the new Green Day album the day it came out. I’m bigger than that. Hell, you cannot deny the impact these guys had on pop-punk in the 90s back when they were writing catchy songs about weed, being in the minority and um…masturbation. And if you can think of any song that’s been played at more graduation ceremonies than “Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)” – and one iconic sitcom finale – than I’d love to hear it. Plus, what other band from the 90s can you name that managed to reinvent themselves as successfully as Billie Joe and the boys did with 2004′s American Idiot? But its 2009, Bush is no longer in the White House, and its pretty hard to maintain your “raging against the machine” rebel status, when your new “hit” (which at best, is a diminished rehash of “American Idiot”) debuted at the NCAA men’s basketball finals. Instead try this track from New Jersey’s highly-literate quartet Titus Andronicus, whose song is named after a work by famous Flemish artist Brueghel, whose landscape paintings dealt with the rituals of village life, social commentary, and humankind’s indifference to suffering. Now that’s fucking punk.

Instead of: Lady GaGa’s “Poker Face”
Try: Peaches’ “Billionaire”

What with the hair, shiny costumes and retro-style music videos that seem like they were filmed in a Parisian cabaret circa the 1950s, perhaps Lady GaGa has more in common with, say Madonna, than raunchy Canadian shock-rocker Peaches (whose “Diddle My Skittle” contains perhaps the most thinly-veiled sexual innuendo that has ever appeared in a song by a Canadian). But while Madge has been awfully quiet on the musical front lately (she’s too busy being turned down by adoption agencies or banging Guy Ritchie or something), Peaches just released her “don’t call it a comeback” comeback album I Feel Cream. In “Billionaire”, the singer provides slinky come-ons over a squelching electronic beat provided by Simian Mobile Disco, like she never went away. When she promises to “fuck you like a billionaire”, there’s no doubt in your mind that she can’t do it either. Lady GaGa, are you taking notes?

Update: I just did a Google search and Madonna is not banging Guy Ritchie. She is in fact, banging this guy. I apologize for the confusion.

Instead of: T.I.’s (feat. Justin Timberlake) “Dead and Gone”
Try: Classified (feat. Joel Plaskett) “One Track Mind”

Please insert a joke about T.I. going to prison here.

Instead of: Soulja Boy’s “Kiss Me Thru The Phone”
Try: Major Lazer’s “Hold The Line (feat. Mr Lexx & Santigold)”

According to his profile on the Mad Decent website, Major Lazer is a “”Jamaican commando who lost his arm in the secret Zombie War of 1984. The US military rescued him and repurposed experimental lazers as prosthetic limbs. Since then Major Lazer has been a hired renegade soldier for a rogue government operating in secrecy underneath the watch of M5 and the CIA.” Psych! Its actually the new side project from taste-making Philly DJ Diplo and his producer friend Switch, with help from a laundry list of their globe-trotting friends including Santigold, Blaqstarr, M.I.A. and a host of other artists who you’ve never heard of. “Hold The Line” is a bizzonkers (yes, I did just use that word) tune that is equal parts surf-rock, reggae and dancehall, and something that you definitely won’t hear on commercial radio anytime soon. Still its dial-tone hook is much better than the other phone-related song (sorry, that was a weak connection but it had to be done), Soulja Boy’s limp attempt at a sensitive song for the ladies, which will be sure to be one of the top-selling ringtones this summer (cause really that’s what its all about these days in the face of this recession…ringtone sales). For me, its done what I thought was impossible – make me wish his other song was still being played on the radio…what was it called again? Something about “Superman-ing that hoe” and that really stupid dance that went with it? Hold on, it’ll come to me…

Instead of: Beyonce’s “Halo”
Try: Grizzly Bear’s “Two Weeks”

Because it wouldn’t be summer without another really sappy power ballad from Beyonce. There’s no real connection between these two sons, other than the former Destiny’s Child ringleader now resides in New York City, and the guys from Grizzly Bear are from the mecca of every other Pitchfork-endorsed, buzzed-about (check out the story in this month’s SPIN, white boy indie-pop band of the past five years, Brooklyn, NY. The main difference? These guys have got the musical skills to pay the bills. To quote Natalie Portman in this movie, “You gotta hear this one song – it’ll change your life; I swear.” She was talking about The Shins, but how much do you want to bet that Zach Braff is already writing a movie so that he can use this song on the soundtrack? Oh, and Beyonce? Tell that husband of yours to stop hanging out with Chris Martin and get his ass in the studio to finish The Blueprint 3. I’ll be here waiting.

Instead of: U2′s “Get On Your Boots”
Try: Bob Dylan’s “Beyond Here Lies Nothing”

Hmm…I’ll take “Stadium Bands That Don’t Know When To Throw In The Towel” for $400, please Alex. When did U2 go from being the band that wrote “Sunday Bloody Sunday”, a stirring anti-violence, anti-hate anthem for the ages, to Bono singing something about “sexy boots”? Was this somewhere around the time when Bono decided that he could singlehandedly save the world himself? Does anybody else miss the Joshua Tree-era U2, back when they were still relevant? Senor Dylan has nineteen years on Bono – not to mention nineteen more studio albums on U2 – yet the man is still hanging out with supermodels, got remixed by Mark Ronson, he hosted a pretty awesome radio show (Bob Dylan’s Theme Time Radio Hour) and is still cranking out New Orleans blues-influenced albums, with odes to the ladies and living in the middle of nowhere. He’s like the dirty joke-cracking, womanizer older uncle you never had. Check out the video for this song by Australian director Nash Edgerton here.

Classified

“Puff, puff, pass, like its legal to get weeded.” That line didn’t even belong to the headliner Classified; rather it was sung by opener Chad Hatcher, but it pretty accurately summed up the general atmosphere as the mostly Torontonian audience at the Phoenix got a taste of East Coast hip-hop last Saturday. By the time Class took to the stage around eleven, there was already a dense cloud of marijuana smoke billowing above the venue. At an all-ages show nonetheless. Which was just fine with Nova Scotia’s second-best rapper (sorry Class, butBuck 65 gets the title of best) – who is a firm advocate of the green – and even took the time halfway through his set to light a joint, while segueing his own “No Mistakes” into reciting a few lines from Steve Miller’s pro-marijuana anthem “The Joker”. And the crowd, who consisted of mostly parts frat boys and slutty high school girls, ate it up with lots of hand waving (fine) and grinding up on strangers (not so great). Which was kind of unfortunate; because after working four straight nights I was down to party, but I have to say I was just not feeling the crowd. I don’t know why I should have expected anything less at a hip-hop show (a white hip-hop show at that), but it definitely put a damper on a show where the highlights were really high and everything else was just average.

Classified – whose real name is Luke Boyd – has been touring in support of his latest album Self-Explanatory, which is ingeniously modeled after the children’s Choose Your Own Adventure books. And though this guest-heavy (including the likes of Joel Plaskett, Shad and Choclair) album is Class’ first on a major label (Sony), he has been at this rap thing for awhile, and two of his albums (2005′s Boy-Cott-In The Industry and 2006′s Hitch Hikin’ Music) have earned Juno Award nominations for Rap Recording of the Year. Its always refreshing to hear a talented rapper who doesn’t have to always resort to the hip-hop cliches of guns, girls and money, and Classified isn’t one to resort to gangsta rap (as those that have been to his hometown Enfield can attest – the place ain’t exactly Compton). Like any rapper worth his salt though, he brought along an East Coast posse with him (including his little brother Mic Boyd and J-Bru, the latter whose songs were riddled with cliches), yet sadly they all weren’t even close to his skill level. Notable exceptions were Hatcher; who with his acoustic guitar and laid-back nature seemed like the type of guy you’d go surfing with or grab a beer and watch the game (and I mean that as a compliment, not in a Jack Johnson type way), whose hit “Do It All Again” received a generous bout of cheering. He later joined Class for their feel-good duet “All About U”. Also well-received was the charismatic R&B singer Jordan Croucher, also from Halifax, who performed his own hit “Addicted” and sung backup on several songs. Someone needs to give this guy his own headlining tour – he has serious potential to become the Canadian Ne-Yo, except you know…with talent.

Then Class took the stage and performed a lengthy set, that included a mix of his older material and songs from the new album. Unfortunately for every hit – “Hard To Be Hip-Hop” and “Gossip” were standouts – there was a lot of filler, most of it coming from Self-Explanatory. Maybe it was just that the album just came out, and I’ve yet to familiarize myself with the new songs – but none of them seem to me as having the potential to become memorable. Take for example, set-closer “Oh…Canada” which tackles Canadian stereotypes (Canadians like hockey? Really?), and is basically a rewrite of the more successful “The Maritimes” (Note: Toronto stop fronting like you’ve been to the East Coast before. Classified and I see through your lies.) Don’t get me wrong – the man is a talented rapper. But in the end, both figuratively and metaphorically-speaking, the show could have used a lot less smoke and a little more fire.

For more Classified,
MySpace: http://www.myspace.com/hiphopclassified